The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010): *

Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) has now asked for Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) hand in marriage. However, Bella still has confused feelings over the ever-topless Jacob (Taylor Laurent), who is also in love with Bella. Bella’s life is once again in danger when an army of newly-born vampires is growing in Seattle, created by Victoria (now played Bryce Dallas Howard) to finally avenge her partner’s death. 

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009): *

The Twilight Saga: New Moon returns us to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart); to Bella’s disappointment she is still stuck at first base and a lowly mortal, despite constantly asking Edward to change her. When Bella is almost attacked by Jasper Cullen after getting a paper cut, Edward decides it would be safer for Bella to leave, taking the rest of the Cullens with him. Bella falls into a depressive state, to her father police Chief Charlie’s (Billy Burke) concern, which only her friend Jacob (Taylor Laurent) can pull her out of. But Jacob has his own problems and Bella is once again dragged into the supernatural world. 

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Twilight (2008): **

Twilight, based on Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel, follows our protagonist Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) as she reluctantly moves from sunny Phoenix to rainy Forks, to stay with her dad Charlie (Billy Burke). Bella begins at a new high school, where she is befriended immediately by her classmates. Apart from Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), who avoids her and acts belligerently toward her. Bella becomes fascinated by Edward and his family, later Edward expresses a similar attraction to Bella. However, Edward’s attraction is also partnered with a thirst for her blood. The Cullens are vampires, although of the ‘vegetarian’ variety as they only consume animal blood. Bella and Edward start up a romantic relationship, however, Bella’s life is at risk when strange vampires start to hunt around Forks. 

Twilight is very faithful to the novel, too faithful. Stephenie Meyer has been lambasted for her clunky and inept writing, which has carried over into the film mostly unchallenged by screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg. The awful cryptic statements are still there, ‘But what if I’m not the hero? What if I am the bad guy?’ Bella and Edward make grand declarations of love to each other, when they are not staring intensely into each other’s eyes, but Twilight only shows their developing romance through montages. A montage of climbing trees and leaning against the branches like they are posing for a magazine, another of them chatting whilst sat on Bella’s bed before Edward watches her as she sleeps. Twilight wouldn’t be Twilight if it didn’t have the male characters vying for Bella’s attention, ‘You’re the new shiny toy!’ Not the mention the problematic nature of Edward Cullen’s relationship with Bella to put to mildly. Here is an incomplete list of Edward’s behaviour concerning Bella: stalking, gas-lighting, controlling, breaking into her house to watch her sleep without her knowledge. Let’s not get start on the dumb character decisions and the stupidity of the plot; otherwise we will be here all day. Twilight is doomed from the start by the text it is ‘adapting’, although it’s a no-win situation as any major adaptation changes would have been meet with outrage by the hard-core Twilight fans. And they are the ones driving the box office sales. 

At least director Catherine Hardwicke has a good understanding of how teenagers feel and act. Hardwicke manages to capture the awkwardness between Charlie and Bella adeptly, the hesitation as they try to reconnect their familial ties after a long time apart. Twilight has some nice small moments scattered amongst the inanity and the creepiness of the film. Bella clutches her cactus, her one memento of Phoenix, as she arrives back in Forks. A small waltz in Edward’s bedroom brings our lovers closer physically than they have ever been before. Elliot Davis’s cinematography relies on grey washed out tones to convey the perpetual dampness of Forks; the only other colours that barely stand out are blues and reds. As Bella and Edward’s romance begins, the camera begins to tilt and swoop dramatically, to ram it into our skulls that this is a heady ‘romance’. Considering the limitations of their characters, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson make a valiant effort to try to convey their infatuation with each other. They both start with closed-off physicality before slowly opening up to each with some reservations. Stewart is clearly trying her hardest and struggles to bring Bella to life, acting reserved and speaking with a halting inflection. Pattinson appears on-screen as though he is already embarrassed to be in Twilight, but he manages to convey an intensity in Edward even if it mainly manifests itself in staring. 

Unless you want to stare at Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson staring at each other, Twilight probably has little to offer you except endless amounts of stupidity.

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Cosmopolis (2012): ***

Eric Packer (Robert Pattinson) is a billionaire Wall Street asset manager, on a journey in his stretch limousine across town for a haircut. His bodyguard Torval (Kevin Durand) accompanies him, worried about a potential threat to his client by an assassin. Despite the gridlock traffic caused by a Presidential visit, a celebrity’s funeral and an anti-capitalist protest, Eric is determined to go to his barber even it means travelling inches across the city. Eric receives numerous characters into his limo, occasionally stepping out of his limo to have lunch with his recently wed wife Elise (Sarah Gadon). As Eric’s world starts to close in on him, will he find the answers he’s seeking? Will he get his haircut?

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