The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009): *

The Twilight Saga: New Moon returns us to Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart); to Bella’s disappointment she is still stuck at first base and a lowly mortal, despite constantly asking Edward to change her. When Bella is almost attacked by Jasper Cullen after getting a paper cut, Edward decides it would be safer for Bella to leave, taking the rest of the Cullens with him. Bella falls into a depressive state, to her father police Chief Charlie’s (Billy Burke) concern, which only her friend Jacob (Taylor Laurent) can pull her out of. But Jacob has his own problems and Bella is once again dragged into the supernatural world. 

If you haven’t seen Twilight or read the New Moon novel, the film isn’t going to bother explaining all the plot points. There are some slapdash flash-backs to events in Twilight which are too fleeting to offer any clarification to any non-Twilight devotees in the audience. Exposition is rammed in to explain the Volturi, a group of ancient vampire rulers, only coming up again in the last twenty minutes. New Moon is a film exclusively for the Twilight fans, all other filmgoers be damned. Awkward cuts are abundant in New Moon, plot strands are abruptly dropped so we can focus back on the relationship between Bella and the steaming hot (literally) Jacob. Alexandre Desplat’s score is weirdly jarring; it doesn’t match the mood of the scenes taking place. The swooping, spinning and tilting cinematography continues to make its aggressive presence known. Who thought it was a good idea to have Edward’s disembodied head floating around in a cloud near Bella, causing unintentional hilarity whenever he materialises? At least cinematographer Javier Aguirresarobe dispensed with the blue/grey filters of the first Twilight film, New Moon is much brighter – making it easier to see the calamitously dumb plot and abhorrent characters.

Barely anything happens in the film, it is simply stretching out time until the inevitable reunion of Bella and Edward. There’s a subplot about the revengeful Victoria (Rachelle Lefevre) lurking near Forks – waiting for a chance to kill Bella in retribution for her partner’s death – which goes nowhere, left to be resolved in the next movie. Again, to go through every stupid moment would take hours. Let’s take one example: Bella is told that her blood is particularly desirable to vampires, that her blood makes them irresistibly hungry. If this is the case, how come Bella is still alive and hasn’t been drained yet? Apart from the general stupidity, New Moon has one particularly deplorable scene where Bella jumps off a cliff so she can see Edward again. She ends up drowning in the sea, sinking serenely into the depths with her hair billowing around her, until Jacob rescues her and revives her. The way the film glamorizes her almost death is appalling. It’s ironic that Stephenie Meyer references Romeo and Juliet when Bella is more akin to Ophelia in Hamlet, complete with Bella going crazy and drowning herself when her man leaves her.  

If Twilight showcases Edward’s appalling behaviour, New Moon is all about Bella’s manipulative actions. Bella only rekindles her friendship with Jacob initially because she wants him to fix up a motorcycle for her; Bella is visited by apparitions of Edward (and his shiny Volvo XC60) in her head when she engages in dangerous and adrenaline-pumping activities. Later, when Jacob tries to tell her his feelings towards her, Bella announces she is ‘selfish’ because she ‘needs’ Jacob and he is about ‘to ruin everything’. Of course when her precious vampire pal Alice (Ashley Greene) returns, Bella quickly drops Jacob and becomes sharp towards him. This is all compounded by Bella’s stupidity, apparently her time spent with vampires means she can no longer recognise normal human behaviour – if she ever could to begin with. Jacob’s revelation that he is a werewolf surprises no-one apart from Bella. The rampant misogyny still reigns in New Moon, as every potential suitor fights over Bella like a toy, especially Jacob and Edward towards the end of the film. It’s particularly disturbing that the were-wolf pack is presented as attractive and sexually desirable; when it is shown they can seriously injure their partners when they get angry or lose control – a reoccurring theme when it comes to Bella’s love interests. Looks triumph over everything else in this universe. 

No amount of acting can improve these despicable characters, although Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart again give it their best shot. Sitting through over two hours of New Moon is almost made worthwhile by the appearance of Michael Sheen as Aro, the Volturi leader. Sheen gives a softly-spoken performance, his meticulous manner verges on the line between regal and high camp. Anna Kendrick embodies how every audience member feels as Bella’s friend Jessica; Kendrick has a knack for delivering withering and sarcastic remarks. Billy Burke gives a touching performance as Charlie; Burke conveys weariness and worry in one look. 

The Twilight Saga: New Moon needs to be buried at a crossroad with a stake through its heart.