Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013): *

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters answers that oft-asked question, ‘What became of Hansel and Gretel when they were adults?’ When you kill one witch you might as well make a career out of it. Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) arrive in Augsburg, saving an innocent woman Mina (Pihla Viitala) from being burned at the stake by the harsh Sheriff Berringer (Peter Stormare). The siblings have been tasked by the mayor with retrieving several abducted children from a Grand Witch called Muriel (Famke Janssen). Muriel and her fellow witches are planning to perform a ritual during the next Blood Moon, which will grant the witches’ immunity to their major weakness – fire. Hansel and Gretel must save the children, kill the witches, discover the fate of their parents and get the girl or troll. 

Practical effects are always a welcome sight; the animatronic troll Edward (Derek Mears) is a cool piece of workmanship. It’s a pity all that work was wasted to create a lovely-looking plot device, rather than a fleshed out character. A lot about Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters feels like it was inserted in order to be ‘cool’ and ‘edgy’. Director/writer Tommy Wirkola has found many ways to dismember and explode bodies, often leaving a jam-like mess in the wake. It should be gory fun but the film never reaches that goal, it is a grim slog to sit through due to its overly dark tone. The 3D moments are obtrusive, sending bolts, fists and body parts flying towards us. Overall, the visual effects are executed well enough in the film’s very weak defence. Swearing is peppered throughout the dialogue, serving as a weak replacement for humour. 

Hansel & Gretel’s dialogue is head-shakingly bad. The film enjoys dumping exposition like its oil into the ocean, trying to set up for revelations the audience has figured out an hour ago. Amusingly, it has forgotten that the setting is supposedly 17^th century Germany and barely attempts to have a go at Ye Ol’ Fashioned language. Instead, we get lines like ‘fucking hillbillies’, ‘I’m kind of a fan’ and ‘awesome’. Of course, no modern retelling of a fairy tale can go without adding a bit of steampunk into the mix, like an arrow bolt machine-gun, a collapsible rifle, shotguns and a syringe with medicine to cure Hansel’s ‘sugar sickness’ (i.e. diabetes). Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’s case isn’t helped by the titular characters. Hansel is extremely unlikable, at one point he tells his love interest Mina he would have left her to burn, but Gretel is adamant they prove someone is a witch before killing them. Hansel also appears to be incapable of forming an emotional connection with anyone. Disturbing, Gretel is relegated to damsel in distress and appears to be injured more often than her brother; despite being shown she is more than capable of defending herself. Furthermore, there is a gross undercurrent of sexualisation concerning her character. Whilst unconscious, one of her rescuers is shown to be fascinated with her cleavage and starts to wash it, until she wakes up and slaps him away. 

Jeremy Renner appears disinterested to be in the film; conversely Gemma Arterton appears to be more enthusiastic in her role. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is probably a film best left off their CVs in anycase. Famke Janssen and Peter Stormare seem to realise they are in a bad film, setting to work on chewing the scenery instead. Pihla Viitala gets away with her performance as Mina, seeing as she was given a thankless role as the love interest. 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunter is not enough fun or the right kind of dumb to make it an enjoyable watch. Leave it in the forest where it can’t be found and make sure to get rid of any breadcrumbs lying around.